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Category: Comedy
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Description:

Listen to siblings Jason and Katrina shoot the breeze with a metaphorical arsenal that would make even the NRA wilt. And weep. And vote Sanders. Nary a dull moment! Now and then a crudely sharpened one or two. Rate, review, and share if you approve!

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Podcast Episode's:
138 World Championchip Cookies
“The best we can hope for from racists and idiots is that maybe in 150 years they’ll be really good at partying” “Sir! You’re over-applying that nut-tan lotion. At this point I have to arrest you.” “What you don’t want a probe to do is get wider and deeper” “Instead of wind blowing wood through […]
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137 Crackas Eatin’ Crackas
“Nothing should be called head cheese” “What’s wrong with bologna? Or what’s right with bologna? What’s the difference between this and bologna?” “Adolf and The Gingerbread Men” Media
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136 I don’t care if I’m neppin’ out, put your subpoenas away!
“I’d like a small dish of cholesterol pellets please and a bowl of tartar soup” “Grunge has fully wrapped back around and started chewing on its own ass… just like punk did.” “I need a note from your doctor saying you’re impossibly fat” “Everybody, eat eggs. Eggs are great. Because they just shoot out of […]
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135 Edificebook: Building Relationships Online
“I wish I could like peanuts. I just can’t. Like, they make me die.” “I’m gonna live stream my butt stream” “Quite earnestly. Quite Ernest Goes To Facebook-ly.” Media
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134 50% Of A Sudden
“Swollmate” “Friends… but on steroids… with cats!” “A savage of cats” “A swoll of bros” “A parade of gays” “A ballsack of supremacists” “I think that trump supporters have 70-80% of America’s skin flaps. Superfluous skin folds and cockles.” “My butt writes just as good of jokes as Louis CK” “You’ve never gripped a thing […]
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133 Near Death Metal
“21 Pantsuits” “Take a diagonal whiz” “The School For Athletic Whores” Media
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132 In the recesses or the naptimes of your mind
“Easter’s just the more pastel Halloween” “Ok well it dovetailed relatively seamlessly over here to the extent that I was very confused” “Keep me on the balls of my face” Media
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131 Freddy Keurig and The Osmotic Avocados
“Some people call it a perfume of musk. Some people call it a fart.” “There’s a significant amount of baseline excitement that’s allotted for tacos, so it’s very difficult to overdo it” “Tacos are great. But these people sound terrible.” “All the children that I have ignored in public have taught me a lot” “They […]
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130 Flowery Nonsense Words
“It’s gonna be adorable and fragile” “Get Jeff Stenograph in here to record these thoughts on his tape player” “The man walks. The boy runs. The baby sprints.” “What kind of idiot just wears one hat?” “There’s a piece of cheese with some jam and ants on it… some ants jammed on it” “Make that […]
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129 Peas & Hominy
“Everything will be sophisticated except to the extent that it sounds like a broken retard talking to you” “There’s no guarantee that the chicken or the egg will come at all” “Do judge a book by its hat” “Make Secrets Great Again” “We want to know how you feel. But we want you to say […]
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128 Basketball Legume
“He looks like someone who would go eat at Long John Silver’s and then go murder somebody” “Food is to be heard and not seen” “That’s why we eat oysters. Because we feel an ancient need to seek vengeance upon them for our ancestors.” “I’ve shit yourself!” “It’s like the Inspector Gadget of genitals” “Is […]
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127 Brown Zero Waffle Hose
“Hurry! Run out of the burning building! The doorway is on fire! My doorwary is burning!” “They used cheeseburgers as a discourse for politics” “That’s one butter faced waffle ho” “Cats respond well to vengeance” Media
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126 Bitter Peelings
“A vomit on words” “I’mma keep my eyes peeled… Like BANANAS” “If that’s her best she should stop trying” “There’s something dead stuck in the current event” “You gonna keep throwing pigeons into that well?” “Making a mountain out of a crudely drawn glyph of a boob” “I remember when they sportsed it into the […]
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125 Austin Tacious Bitch Chin
“It’s a big shame-wreath around your butt-traffic” The only spermazoa [sic] of opinion that make it through to the egg that is Trump are the strongest, nicest opinions” “Like bringing the mountain to Mohammed, they’re actually going to carve a mountain into Trump’s face” “Don’t be an ostentatious urban” “I don’t buy the science that […]
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124 Friends Without Medical Benefits
“I’m going to get a tongue surgically installed in my butt so I can find out what that asshole is saying.” “The Demis and The Pubies” “A bag of skin full of pubes, and they’re just tufting out of the top” “Oh you mean the games that are like the thing that I’m describing is […]
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123 Bobbleheadless
“I’m gonna smash my hand bones against your face pieces!” “The Bobble-headless horseman” “A far-fetched geni-tale-ya of mystery and intrigue… and blackness. And gray areas. Gray private areas.” “Someone obviously vigorously spiked a dead, stuffed squirrel into what is essentially a stack of petrified feces.”
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122 Better to butter your butt whole bread
“He’s telling you what he doesn’t know what he’s doing and he’s doing things what he doesn’t know what he’s gonna do… in public… and privates. In public AND WITH HIS PRIVATES.” “A Midriff Summer’s Dream” “We just destroyed that episode like a bathroom”
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121 McFarnald’s Seafood Burgers
“A warm blanket made out of cement that I can wrap around me for aegis to come.” “Don’t get a Fiat, get a Haiund” “The face of the earth is America. The ass is China.” “As long as you’re already rich, then you will become rich after Donald Trump [is elected]” “At least we had […]
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120 Is Aleppo like a llama?
“Every day is your afterbirthday other than your birthday.” “I’m looking for the ‘Ultimate Scholarship’ for my frisbee” “This could be in the world where pipes have inherited the earth. That’s my new theory; is that someday they’ll discover all of our human bones and be like ‘Oh my goodness… they were completely solid!'” “He’s […]
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119 The OK Outdoors
“William Shatner is like one of those self-inflatable things on an airplane. If the ‘80s crashed then William Shatner flew out of it and is saving lives by inflating himself. Slowly. And automatically.” “I wish that the indians would have been more racist. Maybe things would have been better.” “Those other treasures are actually turds […]
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118 Infiknitted Mobius Scarves
“A mobius of impractical clothing. How do I put this shirt on? There’s no inside or outside! It’s a bunch of sleeves wrapped in on one another.” “Buffered packets of ketchup” “‘Squeal’ – It’s a combination of see, feel… and quails.” “It’ll be 15 billion people huddled around a couple poles and Santa Claus with […]
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117 A Nirvanic Release Of Wind
“Punishingly ironic” “The only facts I know about is the one coming in right now from the precedent of information, telling me that I am doing a good job.” “They are foreign to me. They are foreign and I want them out of my country, these facts.” “If your brain was constantly overheating and on […]
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116 Beeps and Boops
“Sir Reginald Excellence Tallmaster Commodore 64” “And I would agree that – I think most people would agree – I would agree with myself, and most people would agree with myself… me agreeing with myself. Most people would watch a reaction video of me agreeing with myself and agree with this video and positively rate […]
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115 Lifting Paper Waits
“That’s so much work. I’ve gotta like, move my hands and they’re busy picking my nose”
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114 Fontleroy Laserdiamond Speedskate Emrybeard
“Not only is that incompetent, it’s incontinent” “When you try to argue with Trump people, stay away from facts” “Orange is the new beautiful mind” “Russell Crowe as Donald Trump is Elijah Wood and Jackie Chan… Morgan Freeman” “You can’t summon Satan he just appears in the eyes of a child” “I am not going […]
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113 Recycling jackets into silver linings
“Get the ol’ face holes primed” “Traveling at zero interknots” “There’s still lactic acid buildup even if you work out your issues or exercise caution” “I’m not sure that I’m not confused. Not.” “There’s one compliment and two insults packaged into that butterflaps” “Where does conception begin? Is it when the drunken captain is below […]
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112 Decapotato Chips
“A crabby tuft on Bigfoot’s face” “Meat sorcerer” “Domesticated volleyball” “Scramby eggs and bakey for Brexit” “The grass is more hilarious on my side of the fence”
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111 Improper Extrusions
“I do not put those on like Iron Man – as my strong suit” “I’d like to go, but I don’t want to go alone, but I don’t want to go with people either. This is a problem.” Media
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110 Jawbreakers and Ham
“Damn knitters changing the color of the neighborhood “Doing stuff is harder than thinking stuff” “The Fleshlight’s good but just wait until you see the Timesuck” “Life’s a buffet and so is a whorehouse!” “My bladder’s not shy but this episode is” Media
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109 Honesty Is The Worst Policy
“I hold dinners and balls” “Put your beans on ice!” “The only way that you step in heaven is lightly” “Am I allowed to white knight?” “If someone says something about armor and holes in armor and they’re disparaging chinks, then I’ll come in and I’ll say ‘You know what? I identify as chain-male and […]
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108 Mission Impopsicle
“There’s no laws against hitting your emotions” “My issues are anemic. My emotions, they bruise easily.” “I don’t think that that’s an important component of this process – that we understand.” “None of these people know how to use words or actions or beliefs” “I think that if cats had tongues on their hands they […]
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107 Demon Steven
“A golden mean spiral into retardation” “This is the 70’s! Nobody gives a shit. You can make anything disappear with enough cocaine.” “It looks like a kick belongs in their face. I’m sorry.” “Rapture yourself by attaching canisters of helium to your back and filling balloons with your feelings and then floating up to your […]
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106 Don’t judge a shirt by its collar
“Ladies’ nipples are hot and men’s hairy nipples are not” “The indica and sativa of farts” “Heinous Anus entering the ring” “90% Morbidity, 10% Scatalogical Levity” “At home and abroad. At home and on women.”
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105 The Accents of Evil
“I have to doodies peepees” “Speaking of scrotums, Bernie Sanders is hangin 10… hangin 2” “The treeps are too tall and the branches to fart apar!” “It’s like e-commerce but for racists: E-race” “Lev your life one lift at a time” “Top notch brah do you even lev?” “When they say ‘get a grip’ they […]
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104 General Barry Specific
“I would never disrespect a lighter so as to use one for anything other than doing drugs” “As a regular offender of legality… I’m impressed” “Screaming alone in your car while delivering pizzas” “Santa is probably going to start using 3D printing” “He’s saying a lot more. There’s a lot that he’s not saying too, […]
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103 A snake eating its own tail… getting fatter
“Picking up shit in heaven is better than taking shits in hell” “Do the obest you can” “I see all of the time in all of the places” “I wonder if everyone who has ever climbed a mountain is actually very bad at it” “It’s like karate belts mixed with Scientology” “This is Step 1 […]
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102 An Economy Of Impropriety
“Mulligans are for golfers and hobos” “A homeopathically thinned out Cheech and Chong added to a full-strength Shia Labeouf” “The satan of improv” “Spiders are the original 3D printers” “One out of every one hundred jokes is adorable – not related to feces or racism, or what I like to call ‘fracism’.” “We’re gonna alienate […]
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101 Lemon-faced expressions of satisfaction
“This is not the spur of the moment it’s the taint of the moment” “Genitals and gender roles” “Halving the distance between nigh and now” “It takes not long. It takes short.” “The yang is all black and stuff right? Well that’s satan.” “Taking kids places… why do I have that written down?” “I couldn’t […]
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100 Jack And The Murder Beans
“You probably catch as many or more flies with turds than you do with honey.” “A lethal dosage of kittens” “At some point a teddy bear doesn’t being digesting your bones.” “Babies havin’ babies, bearies eatin’ berries” “I opened a butthole into a parallel universe… with my murder beans.” “We’ll sleep on it. We’ll give […]
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099 Fruit salad in a toilet bowl with a Reese Witherspoon
“He would rather be out of tortilla chips than out of blood” “An interdimensional society that exists about 20 feet above Haiti, that uses Haiti as a subway.” “Why isn’t it called a belly butthole?” “Don’t be such an asshole and look at things realistically”
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098 Tex-mechs and sex bots are coming online
“I’m not chasing metaphor squirrels I’m playing meta foursquare!” “The Grand Canyon filled with cotton canyondy” “We gotta shave the whales and fight the reef!” “Like Quiznos… but with batmen. And crime fighting.” “Well I have to have something significant to wear while I’m painting my tiny pewter statues.” “Let’s just go back to the […]
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097 Douche-proof douche boxes
“This information is a vegetable. I will not be digesting it at all, in that case.” “There are plenty of reasons to be angry at liberals. You don’t need to invent them. They just will not stop talking about their junk. We get it. You have a pajina. Get over it. You have a venis. […]
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096 Anything you can not care about, I could care less
“I’m not just ready… I was BORN premature.” “A moose dressed as a mountie smoking a cigarette of maple leaves” “This is a rabbit hole you can really sink your face into” “Hillary Clinton does the same thing Trump does just it takes longer and with lady parts” “I was lead to believe there would […]
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095 The glass is half full… of teeth
“I’m on a David Bowie-sized quarter roll” “It starts directly behind the rabbit’s brain and it spirals all the way to the anus: A cone of spiraling turds” “Don’t you plan ahead? Your meals. Your shitting. You don’t just shit your pants, do you? Ok. Same thing with the rabbit. The rabbit’s not just gonna […]
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094 The Birds and The Bees and The Eggs Up In The Trees
“You’re so dumb that your body and your muscles are fighting against gravity to maintain any modicum of blood in your head and your feet sometimes lose all blood and so you are able to shoot yourself in the foot conversationally: Dumbabetes.” “I bet there’s two baby squirrels and like a couple dozen eggs in […]
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093 An overstuffed casket of birds
“Pluto is tired of our mixed signals; both television broadcast and emotional connections to its existence.” “It’s like asbestos mixed with blackness. Asblactos.” “If you keep letting your jeans frey then eventually they’re gonna turn into jorts. And then junderwear.” “I like the white noise, and the black noise, and especially the Latin noise. It’s […]
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092 A Treadmill of tears
“I’m confident that’s based in science and facts. Free-based.” “Have a math lattice salad” “You don’t fart around about fight cloud” “Baron lizards. And they have monocles because you spelled ‘barren’ wrong.” “When you sweep the floor are you sweeping the floor or are you sweeping the dirt?”
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091 One half heart one half ass-edly
“Loose Stools n Such: Shit Your Ass Down” “If you got anyone in your home with an especially powerful colon that would not be advisable” “The next skittles dress is the unicorn jelly bean fart door” “It’s all tainted. All the crack is tainted.” “A Chinese finger trap of conversation” “Girrass will show itself and […]
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090 Netflix and chill or Redbox and blueballs
“Crystal Meth Clear” “I gotta go buy a new harpoon gun to do more drugs into my veins” “I’m gonna toilet you live today!” “If you know something that I don’t then you’ve made it up and I don’t believe it” “The new way to move your hands that’s called dancing” “It’s like if you […]
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089 The Mistleturd: Salute Your Sharts
“The only reason I get up out of bed is to be unreasonable” “But having sex in a park suddenly oh now we gotta start calling police and filming it and masturbating secretly to it.” “Fuck spotlights. There’s more darkness.” “Angus Beefin: The Fighty Scottish” “People don’t have problems so small talk has gotten bigger”
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088 Turning on a parallelodigm
“I’m not sure how I could be sure of anything… since I am a lie.” “I need a lube job. I’m feeling unemotionoil.” “Your emotions are like genitalia. You don’t just show people.” “Your dad likes my croutons” “Now I have mixed feelings because there’s a parasite eating my brain.” “Mother Nature is totally un-bro […]
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087 As right as rain is wrong
“We’re building more walls. We’re building a maze!” “Samurai Berdonald Sandump’s Wonderous Atlantic Ocean Maze” “A chicken in every pot and a punch in every mouth” “We’re a society addicted to teeth. We need to eradicate the teeth. Annihilate the chews.” “Hey good news everyone. I’ve achieved drug buoyancy! I’m operating efficiently and I’m partying […]
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086 This day and age. And this bridge. And these chairs.
“You know what I dramamine” “You’re not allowed to be onboard if you’re a dick. That’s redundant.” “It’s like a big dung beetle ball with money stuck to it. That’s basically what accruing wealth is like.” “To incorporate it is to die from insane lusting into the oblivion” “To the flash of existence all the […]
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085 Rasputin’s Eternal Merkin
“You don’t wanna let the boob out of the bag” “I think if your coffin has a glory hole you’re not going to heaven.” “You’re saying identify less as genitalia, more as something productive and helpful.” “Cunts on the bitchler” “Why is the leisuring stick shaped like a throwing cudgel?” “Get an areola view of […]
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084 I good you bidet!
“Good news, you get some really toned and defined glutes. Bad news, they’re like pistons for turds.” “I feel like the term ‘listener’ is offensive to fractions’” “I feel like fractions are an insult to infinite mathematics.” “I feel like infinite mathematics are offensive to neverending vertices.” “I feel like never ending vertices are offensive […]
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083 The Ineffable and Affable
“Is this what YouTube is now? Your tube?” “Could more people identify as craftsmen? As blacksmiths? Or professional bowlers?” “What are these, are these thoughts? Oh no! I didn’t mean to put these thoughts on the joke fire!” “I’m gonna kill one funny bird with one gigantic boulder just to prove a point. I don’t […]
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082 A hole in the ground that farts leprechauns
“We know about the birds and the bees, but then no one ever explains separately birds and bees.” “Imagine if when you had a zit on face and it, leaked it made more face. Like a face-cano.” “Is it just because he’s good looking and he’s talented so he’s just like ‘My hair can look […]
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081 ilk is like if like is drunk
“If you think we can make a good net to catch a dolphin, imagine how good a net a dolphin could make to catch a person.” “We do need to bring back the briefcase and the stopwatch. The briefcase is for when you have sand in your vagina and you need to change your underwear, […]
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080 Pokémon and Wémon
“Rabbit Hutch and Panic Hatch: Attorneys at Law” “The ice holes are melting and the c’s are rising!” “You can’t Judge Judy” “Burpees and poopies” “Fight, flight, or complain” “Shanghaied and Sea-addled” “M. Night ShamWowie Mandel” “When life hands you lemon tumors… it’s time to die.” “More faults than California!”
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079 Seven Asinine
“Rocking out 24/7 till the break of dawn” “Asian does crack… on occASIAN” “You had to air out your Harry books” “A little loady, a little cocky, a little fiery” “Guys who look like they came out of MIB chasing dudes who look like they’re from 12 Monkeys” “An assive aggressive way to handle the […]
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078 Emergency Umble Sandwich
“What did you just sentence to me?” “That’s not low hangin fruit that’s like, the fruit is resting on the ground with a branch leading back to the tree.” “Your brain is dumb. Not only does it say dumb things, it sees dumb things.” Media
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077 Good Luck With Hat
“Leapfrog’s gotta be gone. It makes people without legs feel guilty. For being gay.” “Shut your face sphincters!” “You will actually have to, you know, modulate all sphincters during any of these processes because you’re putting a lot of pressure – you’re treating yourself like, basically, a bagpipe.” “It’s not so much what you want […]
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076 Boobices and Boobaloids
“Bryan Cranston might be a shaved chimpanzee” “Chunkeos: Semi-solid chunks of fibrous chocolate” “Get the report off the wire from the stork out of the smoke signal.” “People say ‘One time per day’. How many times per day are there?” “I don’t do research because I do it right the first time.” “Let’s get some […]
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075 BeyonSlayer
“Cameras pointed at empty chairs and deviled eggs” “I thank him for that reminder on this Valentine’s Day – that lovely thought – that Kanye West will too be dead in 100 years. That’s heartwarming.” “You’re getting incepted. I’m gonna get your mind pregnant!” “The Illuminati are the new Area 51” “Not paying it forward […]
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074 Him and Haw and Her
“My to-do list is to make a to-do list and I’m going to cross that off and go to sleep.” “I’m saying I’m a pretty big deal… behind the wheel.” “Don’t go too nuts. Go one nut.” “There are people who are out there just imagining Bert and Ernie savagely going at it.” “It’s like […]
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073 Synonym Bred
“If you really want to help Charlie Sheen, give him a cure for Charlie Sheen.” “Well my cats got immunized so that makes them a doctor, right?” “Find a douchebag who’s gonna get murdered and then call him a ‘fuckface’ or ‘turd logger’ or something.” “Life is like your face melting… and then the more […]
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072 Dung Beetle Bowling League
“We turned wolves into pugs and bullshits” “Dave Cataldi doesn’t f*** in public” “Oh man I dropped the ball. It’s ok because it was made out of turds.” “This is the world we live in, people. It’s a world of acceptance, and flags are allowed in football now.” “Michael Jackson is to plastic surgery as […]
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071 Clusters of Mouth Sound
“I feel exquisitely blessed and fabulous” “A blunt is a uh… is a three-pronged… joint. That has extra… lights and is rolled exclusively by asian dragons. Who are here illegally.” “I’m very busy. I’m too busy to understand what I’ve begun talking about so I’m moving on!” “Everybody knows groundhogs to be legendary for their […]
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070 Jacey Goes To Denver
“My shit is a has-been for sure” “To enforce an abstinent mindset seems to always require dishonesty” “The most-landed morbid jokes per capita is in the doctor’s office after a diagnosis of cancer has been delivered.” “It’s a teeter-totter with hilarity at one end and sadness and melancholy at the other.” “Follow the literail to […]
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069 Chering Is Caring
“Despotic leaders litter human history. It’s mostly what we have – is people being dickbags in office.” “I started to watch it but then I urinated sweat from all of my pores and I had to go change.” “Do black people white knuckle?” “I’m going to have my stomach stapled and collated. I need to […]
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068 Ironically, stupidly, hypocritically, and oddly
“If you ever eat a banana that’s especially large, it’s a little bit emasculating.” “An irony of emasculation” “I’m replacing ‘mediocre’ with ‘retarded’, that’s all. People don’t like being called mediocre? Fine. Now you’re retarded. You happy?” “I get all my knives and my swords and my blades at Kruger. ‘Did you bring your Kruger […]
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067 Your likelihood of choking increases with laughter
“From a dog whistle to a whale fart, and everything in between” “Bowie, Lemmy, and Marley are all probably collaborating… in hell.” “I think that’s a big problem with people is that everybody else and everything else is either a character or a prop in either a Disney movie or a Saw movie.” “Maybe a […]
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066 How much wheat could a wheat field yield if a wheat field could yield wheat?
“A lot of small splashes and neanderthals falling at the end of round 2” “You know why that doesn’t bother me, don’t you? Because the part of me that it bothered died. And now that part is dead. So thank you. Instead of all of you getting smarter, I got dumber. Thank you.” “If Mozart […]
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065 If you addle it all up it doesn’t make much sense
“If you look in the back room there’s a bunch of komodo dragons licking enormous paper mache scrotums.” “Scrotum Island is actually a penis-ula that we mistook for a ballsin.” “I don’t think Einstein would have gotten shit done if he had been born today because he would have just been watching cat videos.” “The […]
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064 One Tutu Innuendos
“Yeah I just tore right out of mom. Almost killed us both. It was hilarious.” “I had my homophobic feeler out. And I don’t want that to be misconstrued. I don’t want my homophobic feeler to be misconstrued.” “The Playboy! At night he magically transforms into an adulterer, cheating on his wife and family with […]
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063 Phase-shifting Felines
“I feel like I’m not running for president but, then again, I’m not running for president.” “I enjoy my orange juice pulpit-free.” “LGBTQRXYZAB̈CDE无尽的悲伤FGHÏJK̈LMNÖP” “The Flea and The Fly in The Soup” “Climb Morgan Freeman’s enlarged face!” “I don’t want you aiming your zone at my children! My children are eating giblets and vitamins right now.” […]
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062 Sugar-Free Daddy
“I was shaming myself amongst the northern lights…” “Full blown whore” “You have to have real friends to be like ‘That was out of line. That was dumb. Don’t do that.’” – “And you have to have real strangers to tell you ‘You’re a douchebag. I don’t know you.’” “That’s what twinder’s all about: Swatting […]
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061 Hotlapagos Mermangels
“I’m telling you, check all anuses. Do a cavity search of the whole house.” “Your taxes are a butthole!” “Did someone run over a pack of skunks? Then did a skunk truck drop a bin of skunks and then it got hit by another skunk truck which careened off the road into a skunk factory?” […]
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060 Jack Cozie: Private Dick
“It’s not a spit take it’s a spit give” “Two 90in televisions. One for each boob.” “May the sassiest survive and enjoy the superest of bowls” “A ‘technicolormeter’. The same thing used to colorize The Wizard Of Oz is now being used to racially profile from a distance. At speed!” “Many reasons… A litany of […]
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059 Proper Pauper Parable
“I don’t blame jokes for being jokes I blame douchebags for taking them seriously” “Safety aside guys, I’m gonna have to stop indicating” “You’re throwing all of the caush into the wind” “Speaking of red flags how about orange, unkempt flags?” “He’s taking the cockles straight to the face!” “History will look at Donald Trump […]
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058 Pencils of Color
“Hot Claus” “Even emo people are sitting there in the corner excitedly chittering about the new Star Wars” “That’s what creativity ultimately endeavors to accomplish, is not being special, ironically” “Inhofe would still throw a snowball at your house and say ‘Hah! There! I gotcha!’” “That’s what we do with words that are supposed offend […]
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057 Strung Out On Phonics
“Ho down at the hootenanny! She tripped on some poontang!” “If there was a company that you could hire like ‘takemyholidayshitdown.com’ they would probably do pretty well. Literally, you go clear holiday shit off people’s dumbass houses because they’re so depressed because they didn’t get what they wanted and they had a panic attack.” “Imagine […]
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056 That Pony Don’t Prance
“Cause you’re the kind of person who’s out at the intersection of Nature and Nurture in the middle of a Tuesday, buying one pack of smokes with mostly change. One of the bills was wet. Just one of them.” “You took the full wiener straight to the torso. And that is I think, medically, how […]
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055 Mercy BBQ At The Zoo
“Let’s get all the bitches straight!” “Whether it’s a wooden, three-dimensional puzzle or a human corpse in the desert. Same process.” “The amount of information that you must know is bafflingly distracting.” “And then she was remarking about how fuckable one of the aquatic plants was.” “You gaylicks! I’m spelling that a whole different way […]
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054 I hearsay, I dare say, I everywhere say
“How else am I supposed to pilot a vehicle properly without gauntlets!?” “I just bought what I needed and I paid too much for it, but then I threw half of it away anyway, and then I crossed the finish line FIRST! WITH TIME TO SPARE!” “I’m super jealous I didn’t think of the chinbeard […]
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053 Just the right number of poop jokes
“Does that beard come with automatic windows?” “God damn it!… I apologize, dear Satan, for using your name in vain.” “Does anyone have any crackers or perhaps blackers for this insensipaté?” “Tasteful! And not at all about diarrhea.” “‘Do as I say, not as I do. With my dick.’ In the words of Jesus Christ.” […]
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052 Flower-Powered Plasma Gun
“Maybe aliens, when they come down, their ballsacks will look like Balzacs” “Check yourself before you recreate yourself” “The spiders currently dwelling in your hair tell a different story” “Hot buttwax talk” “It’s the bee’s ass!” “You there just walking about with a bulky knapsack! I’m going to stab you in the face because I’m […]
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051 Pin the blame on the donkey
“It’s like a pub crawl but for adorable internet memes” “I’m Super Anal. Don’t mind me. I work behind the scenes.” “Is this water that we’re floating on? It doesn’t seem like water. Also not chocolate. I have mixed feelings about this tour, suddenly.” “Damn it, donkey! You jackass! Get your head out of your […]
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050 Something stupid about lemons
“That’s my metaphor for humanity. Just Mike Tyson wailing on his own nutsack as hard as he can.” “How do you think Genghis Khan got so far? Hilarious! What a cutup!” “I’m actually one of the beta testers for the Starbucks vaporizer. I’m wearing it right now. I just huff Starbucks vapor all day. When […]
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049 Abusive Stepladder
“So I see in the back of the shop what appears to be a human bag of douche shaking its head at me” “Juanbody” “If you don’t want spiders you just show ‘em your nuts” “I’m gonna eat your face! Nature bitch.” “The Jews, really? Haven’t they been annihilated enough?” “You need to check everything […]
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048 Your Fallacies Are Showing
“You started the game and then you got defensive suddenly” “Pastrami is one of the most delicious substances on the planet” “There are at least possibly two or three different vats of liquid that you could dip meats into. Maybe more. Maybe more!” “Hate to say I told ya so! Y’all gonna get cancer of […]
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047 When will we stop hugging on slippery slopes?
“Please tell Mr. Slippywitz that he left his shark at the party and so we ate it.” “Hey for all we know that shark was frolicsome” “If you don’t mind your duck getting punched in the face… by grown men.” “But hey, you gotta watch out for those mountain sharks. Which I think are called […]
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046 Wallabies are very sexual creatures
“Welcome to Earth – Where curling is an olympic sport and wrestling is not.” “I hate this job. Just spooning olive oil out of divots in the floor.” “The hot ticket at this club is that you can confess to a priest while shitting” “I am the open ocean and that hoagie sandwich is the […]
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045 A Palindrome of Ass-to-mouth
“I always have a lot of extra hose in my trunk just in case.” “That’s the public option. No, the public option is the one that’s shitty. In the sense that a vacuum cleaner sucks when it’s bad. You know. Like if toilet paper’s good then it’s shitty.” “I good you bidet!” “Now you’re basically […]
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044 Schrödinger’s Toilet
“Miley Cyrus is like a weird frequency of human… that we don’t need.” “There’s a couple smart crayons in the shed” “You better checker self before you wrecker self! And then you see me wearing a bunch of plaid.” “Thick, stocky, furry trunks to carry a small torso across the land!” “Holocaustic douche fairy”
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043 I did got bamboozled!
“Normally when things are super I’m all aboard. But not in this case. Like a super-rainbow, or a super-disco, or a super-orgy – I’m all-in… in more ways than one.” “There’s a stealthed gay approaching me. Fabulously advancing.” “You can’t get rid of it, but you can sculpt and tone that racial bias!” “If I […]
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042 More China than China
“I wish there was a Sandlady so sleep wasn’t so gay” “This chili tastes like steroids and anger” “In our dojo there wasn’t even a shower there was just a creepy, back, tatami room where everyone just got nude and put on their gis. It was totally gi back there.” “That sound super gi!” “It […]
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041 I got Pope all over my Fiat!
“He’s created a neverending river of happiness throughout all of eternity. And I would thank you to respect that! And do your laundry in it, as well!” “Where’s Kirk… Nathan??” “If I get a ‘pizza job’ I’m working at Dominos. But if I get a ‘boob job’ I’m not working at Hooters… It’s curious!”
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040 If I may be so bold-italic
“Coolness first. Excellence second. Safety third.” “If there is a god and, like we said before, if he has a torso and intestines and a penis and everything, and like an anus… or anii, I would assume he would give himself eight, like a spider but… through the back.” “Pornography happens to lead the cutting […]
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039 The Energizer Bitches: They just keep going and going
“I stopped giving shits two weeks ago. That is why I am speaking to you in this doctor’s office.” “Somehow it’s in my butt and my mouth!” “Plus you have a human skeleton jammed inside of you. Like an extra one. I realize we all already have one. We start with one, as default. Some […]
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