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Podcast Episode's:
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Gaslighters
What's behind the curtain? Rupert Murdoch, Alan Sugar, Buck Rogers, Rat pies and Foreskins
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Bring Back Mercia
Lurking Left-wing Scrumpers, Cliff's humiliating first summer holiday, accidental cock squeezing, ripping down the wallpaper and finding hammers up the harris
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Hollow Full Of Head / A Head Full Of Hollow
In bed with Aleister Crowley... clacking clackers... leathery balls... stem cell testing on Dickie Davis...
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I Am Cuthbert!
Dogs and dark forces... Westminster peadophiles... Pills, thrills and Leon Brittan's lapels
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Cup Of Tea Mum / Touching The Periphery
Haggis mocking and Scottish Stockholm syndrome, Cameron's Savile Row sentinels... plus Ronnie and Reggie Kray discuss periphery touching
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These Fings Take Time
Ballooning with Stephen Fry, digging holes with Omar Sharif, showering with Nigel Farage, beheading with the Borgias and much, much more
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I'm Glad Im Not You day
Pickled testicles, wastes of spaces, Holly Willoughby, exposed flesh, Andy Warhol, breakdancing and avoiding the madness
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First of the Gang to Die
The sartorial shortcomings of Hare Krishna. Taking a fence with Warwick Davis and Kenny Baker, going on about Star Wars and the Krays cutting up Eastenders
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Diggin in the dirt for spuds - East Meets West Again
The Colonel and Sage return with Heather Mills' missing leg, Farage, Judo, sexual malformities, one finger techniques, kippers, the late Bob Hoskins and Moses
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Burn Your Credit card For Fuel
The secret crimes of David Hasselhoff, health and safety tips for Neil Young, the shady history of David Cameron's ancestors and the Colonel's bladder problems
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The Genius of the Crowd
The Colonel, Sage and Ronnie return with the first new episode of 2014 - metaphoric kipper ties, Showaddywaddy, the true story of the Titanic and Sage's disreputable mother all on the table of discussion today
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Wongaland
The Colonel, Sage and Ronnie mull over the issues of the day including Broadmoor games with Peter Sutcliffe, wrestling with Richard Harris and weapons of mass destruction
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Elevenses, Wet Wallies and Lobbyists
The colonel and Sage discuss the working classes, leaky Tories, World War buggery and the insightful proclamations of the cook Jamie Oliver
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The Loon Goon-Paddy Power, Let Them Eat Smash!
The Colonel and Sage return with the Loon Goon in the studio - an Irish revolutionary who witnessed Theresa May boiling immigrant children cackling with a salivating Eric Pickles sat at the table waiting for his din dins
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Used Prophylactics in The Punch Bowl
Fun and games with the Colonel and Sage
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Rasta don't work for no CIA
But uncle Thomas Does!
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Slip Em a Fiver And Ask Em To Do a Favour
Slip Em a Fiver And Ask Em To Do a Favour
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Who Shot the Red Baron?
The strange disappearance of the Colonel's wife, The Parker pen thermometer, The Red Baron and tight pockets
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Whistle Your Way To The top!
Wow, the Colonel and Sage return, Scottish bottoms, David Icke and Wogan's elbows, burning Volkswagens, padeophile Priests and Roger Whittaker
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The Mud Men of the Fjords
Etheral nature of existence, teddy boys, powdered milk, fish farming, mud men and also some spunk
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Who put the B.O. in Bohemia
Zionists, cockney mars bars, limericks and guess the smell with The King of the Bohemians - Iron Foot Jack
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Macabre Machinations
Lonnie Donegan's baton, chocolatiering fat bastards, strange DIY, Litvinenko and the Scientologists, what happens under the arches in Vauxhall...
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The World is an Elitist Swag Bag
Getting rid of prostitutes, necrophilia, Barack Obama, General Custer, Robbie Williams and much much more
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The Maiden Tribute of Modern Babylon!!
New episode with the Colonel, Sage and the team... Turkish baths, Jimmy Savile Row, Thatcher's sweet shop and Nobby the fisherman
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Grappling Grabs trade secrets and Royal Rumbles
Colonel and Sage discuss the burning issues of the day including James Bond, Royal tits, compassionate robocops, brain draining and the grab, the grab
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Egging The Omelette
The Colonel and Sage are back back back with a new series... itchy bottoms... Boris the cyclist... Lord Coe... but is it art?
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We Didn’t Start The Fire! But You Have To Start The Fire If You Want To make A Change!
Last in the series... What happened to Prince Philip's testicles during the Jubilee?... The Colonel gets in trouble with the Royals...
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Pull Your Socks Up and Sort Yourselves Out!
Thumbs up with the Fonz, Louis Walsh and sexual health, Pam Ayres, gay ebay, boiling piss, colour, light and stabbing in the dark
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A Right Fry Up - We're All Out Of Our Brains Or At Least My Friends Are!
Who killed Rober Kennedy? Who is God's dentist? And this summer's narcotic Olympics
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One Hundred And Fifty Not Out and He Still Has His Pads On!
Party time for Sage and the Colonel... Doing business with dwarves, Brando's favourite biscuits and Ron shifts a paradigm with a knife.
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Suck It And See!
Episode 149 with Sage and the Colonel - How do you do what you do to me? Suck it and see!
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The Tewenty Seven Club. Lightweights only
Swinging England, Brian Jones and the otherlightweights, David Walliams in the Thames, redheads and the Royals, Cheggers in the trenches
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Vapor Rooms, Formaldehyde And The Turner Prize
Men together in the Poplar Vapour Rooms... Pressing trousers... Lord Lucan... glory holes... the Colonel's outrageous plan on how to keep the Falklands safe... all finished off with some toilet trouble
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Hung Up On Meat Hooks (don't do me like that!)
Crabtree and Sage return with a new series! A journey into the darkness... Georgie Fame, Water Buffalo, homeless people, Rita Marley, ginormous erections, the Hallal pill crusade
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Woggle Madness and Clutch Problems
Pre series special - Woggle Madness and Clutch Problems
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Great Expectations
Who is the Colonel's famous long lost great grandchild? Are Terry's better than Dirk's? What did Crabtree do to Mrs Haversham? Last in the series
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Ayahuasca and Other Such Stories
Psychedelic exploring... up the Amazon in a dress... coming serpents... Claire Sweeney salivating in Jack boots... on being Anne Frank one evening 1945, with just her sister at her side... the horror! the horror!
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A fluffy revolution
Experimenting with polar bears, cous cous, Mick McCarthy, revolution
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Stop the clocks I want to get off - Mid series special
Midseries special from the Colonel and Sage
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Christmas Special - Ebony and Ivory all in it together
Festive fun with the Colonel's Christmas Special - Ebony and Ivory all in it together... doing it for the kids
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Crumbs of Crowley
The Colonel recounts time spent with Aleister Crowley. The dark arts, ducks, leather pants, Mike Yarwood and other satantic stuff and nonsense
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Murder Without Conviction
We discover various high profile 'indiscretions' by the Colonel that links him with some of the most historical assissinationsof the 20th Century. In addition, a Scotsman is unfortunate.
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Falling over with Miranda
Twisting with Sage and the Colonel... The despicably evil plan of the great inventor Otis Van Strapon, involving Miranda Hart and falling over. The Chinese, Stacia Blake and Liptons Tea??
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You do the fighting, I'll do the talking
Rantsville - Archbishops, big society, the French, David Cameron the shit... the Colonel gets a bit wound up with them all
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The fly killer runs a mock
Who are we? Blaming the wife, getting conned by the YMCA, Ku Klux Klan, inspecting hard drives and fisticuffs with the Angel Gabriel
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Mein Cucumbers
This week Eva Peron, Muslim knock knock jokes, toffs and cultivating cucumbers
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The art of seduction
New Series! Sleeping with mothers. Standing and delivering. Anyone for tennis, diving or pool? And getting throttled by the Krays
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Land of Hope and Gory
I predict a riot... Series special with the Colonel, Ronnie Kray and the rest. Arse, skinheads, flagpoles, riots and looting gobstoppers. How to get a job at the BBC and how to hire a chimney sweep. At the end of the day, give them six of the best and have a cup of tea.
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Episode Special - Hollywood Conspiracy with Wigs
The Madame Tassaud’s Scandal, the Colonel’s role in the killing of Osama Bin Laden… what really goes on in the Playboy mansion. The joy of auto asphyxiation. How to make porridge… and how Ted Rogers helped out Al Qaeda
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Suffragette Transparency
Hello Sailor! Been caught stealing... Compromising photographs of Prince Philip... did she jump or was she pushed? Getting it out in the open... Last in the series
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Food and oil issues
Starting from the bottom up with Ronald McDonald... who killed Victor Hugo? Sexual harassement in the trenches
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Tales from Berlin
The buggerer's buggerer, the trench wench, Ken Dodd's feather duster, Dr Who is compromised, dealing with the youth and being unkind to Israelis and who the hell's Max Miller?
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Colonel Gaddafi's pantomine horse
The metaphysical power of the Aztec sausage, Charlie Sheen's strategy for Libya, the confusion over the Karate Kid, Brian Cox and Opera
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The Tales of a Gay Romper Stomper
John Galliano, Romper Stompers, tattoos, favouring Muslimists, kidnapping cats
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Smoke Screens - Wikileaks
Is wikileaks a smokescreen for a bigger stink? Is Prince Philip a deviant? Where is the clown with the bulge in his trousers?
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Twin Towers, illusionists and film makers
The Twin Towers conspiracy, hijra, Rogered Milliband and tightening nuts, all in a day's work for Crabtree and Sage
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Oh The Good Life (until someone causes trouble)
Sage is joined by both the Colonel and Ronnie... they discuss Bolshevism, hurting rabbits and Sting and William Hague's plan to steal from old people
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Short Term Ice Dancing
Richard Keys and Andy Gray, man on man affection, all you ever wanted to know about corned beef and freeze dried haemeroids
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Woe betide the eunuchs
The Colonel returns with series 13. Peace in our time, paying for sex, double headed spying... the first goon show, shitting in holes
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Stealing from Sainsburys
Stealing from Sainburys and blinding the Police. Hitting people with guitars, pissing blood and hypnotising Court Judges... all in a days work for the Colonel.
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Surviving Armageddon up Ben Nevis
Who will best survive in a post-apocalyptic world? Sage or Crabtree? And which one will end up starving to death in Wales? Which of the oldies has the best sperm to re-populate the new world? Rubbing sticks, collecting mushrooms and Danny La Rue are all discussed as Sage and the Colonel discuss their prospects after armageddon.
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Empire Building with Ron and Reg
Ronnie and Reggie Kray return from the grave discuss their future plans, which include pickling and Boris Karloff. Also, a message from Alvin Lindwall who discusses breathing in Hitler dust, cannibalism and why it’s all God’s fault.
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Merry Christmas Everyone
Get into the Christmas spirit with the Colonel, Sage, Ron and the rest of the team. The studio is filled with love as they discuss the Colonel's failed suicide bombing Son. Also, is the Colonel the real father of David Cameron's children?
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Poking with a stick
To poke or to blow up? The Vanstrapulater, sneaking into Heaven through the back door, Hitler or Gandhi?... Last in this series.
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Erotic Pulsations
The pulsating movements of Louie Spence... The Colonel launches an appeal for the victims of the recent great floods in Kingston Upon Thames... find out what did Ronnie Kray do to Duncan Bannatyne... Don't listen to this whilst eating...
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Whoops
Does the original version of the last supper prove that Jesus was either Australian or gay? What was Satan so upset about? Where did Michael Jackson put his finger?
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God's punishment and other controversies
The Colonel airs his controversial views on Olympic training, religionist's views on punishing limp wristers, how to achieve a distinctive swagger with the 'walnut trick' and does God wear a wig?
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Gurkha Issues
A Frenchman on the run, banning Gurkhas, pumping children full of Jesus, phone sex with Bishops and Boris and his Johnson
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The Pathfinders
The sorry tale of Tiddler Terry, sat in a tree... also... Dawn Clench... Vince Cable's Hitler moustache and why Mugabe demands respect
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The wrong end of the stick
Boxing with Denis Healey, farting with Evelyn Waugh and wanking with Edith Piaf... all in a days work for the Colonel
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While the Watcher watches you...
Cat Stevens, split anuses, poor people and sausages, problems with permanent erections, how to make a slush puppy
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Tourettes all round
Problems with Philip Schofield's poppers, Piers Morgan runs a Mosque, the English Defence League has tourettes... Roger Agogo goes mad
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When life gives you lemons...
The Colonel returns with a new series... Secret lemonade drinking, The Duke of Wellington, hanging around lavatories, bloody Boris's pushbikes, trouble on the buses
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Stalking Jennifer Aniston
Walking on the wild side with Danny La Rue, stalking Jennifer Aniston with Dr. Legg, trespassing with Wayne Rooney and kiddy fiddling with the Pope... all in a day's work for the Colonel
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Ron and Reg reunion
Before the new series begins, Ronnie and Reggie Kray enjoy a reunion. They discuss what a rubbish decorator Jackson Pollock was, cafes, Star Trek and Ron’s sexual preferences.
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Royal Scandal Bank Holiday Special
A drunken Colonel witters about taking drugs with the Royal family, his plan to take back India for the Empire and putting chilli peppers up the Kyber pass. There is a delightful summer song about self love and then the Colonel spews all over himself.
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Knob Brothers Q and As
The Knob Brothers, the very aged rockers, are in the studio discussing their days in the music industry... old novelty records, Joe Meek, groupies, the management style of the Colonel and the size of their knobs
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Film Review with Jock Spalding
Sage’s attempt at a cultural film review has mixed results as Jock Spalding is invited to the studio to discuss Herzog’s Fitzcarraldo and Tarkovsky’s Stalker… then he gets his knob out and things take a turn for the worse.
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Golden kangeroo balls
Marmite bagels, naughty Jews, limp wristed German sheep, the location of Lord Lucan and golden kangeroo balls... the chaos continues in the last in this series... special episode next week!
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Give Mossad a call
Can Sue Pollard do the splits? Who does Sting think he is? What do Mossad want with Shane Ritchie? Are the Colonel's social policies too extreme? These and many other questions will be partially answered at best in this weeks episode... you can probably answer that last question yourselves to be honest.
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Geri Halliwell and the Fanshaw Candelabra Story
The beautifully retarded Cheryl Cole and a case of mistaken identity involving Geri Halliwell and Fanshaw Candelabra... for the second week in a row - no one gets 'cut'
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In Cold Blood
Truman Capote, Mick McCarthy, Fanshaw Candelabra and Ronnie Kray all join the Colonel and Sage in the studio this week, luckily, no one gets 'cut'
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Saddam's Weapon of mass destruction uncovered
The Colonel recalls how he accidently started the Iraq War when inspecting Saddam's bunker... also - carving up Arabia and killing Jeremy Paxman
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Caught with ya pants down
Flashing at the Chilton enquiry, Bill Gates killing Germans, Peter Tatchell's soft spots, defending Quinten Crisp, offending the Irish
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French and Italian issues
A lonely little man from Clapham... Oliver fist... loosing sense of reality... talking sex and celibacy... shooting Italians in the backside... The naked flesh of Jane Fonda
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The Colonel's hermaphrodite lost love
Hermaphrodites are on the table this week as the Colonel reveals his lost love. Lady Gaga, Tarkovsky and codpieces are also on the agenda
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Transvestite whales?
Martin Luther King, Transvestite whales, teenage pregnancy and why not to suck on used tampons
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Sage in perverted mode - the new Series begins
Fisters, twisters and lispers... The Colonel reviews the Knob Brothers new songs... bad language and questionable comments are unleashed
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Vote Crabtree! - Election Special
Prior to the new series of the Colonel's radioshow, we present the Colonel's Election Special - the Colonel outlines his policies and expresses exactly how he feels about Cameron, Clegg and Browntrousers
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The Knob Brothers speak
Before a new series of the Colonel Radioshow kicks off we have the Knob Brothers memoirs... including Curdled custard, dirty books, dirty girls, quantum physics and Joe Meek the f**ker
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Michael Jackson's new nose and other stories
Getting to the knob of the matter with Peter Sellers and his rubber nose, Lionel Ritchie and his penis, the Pope and his arse and Michael Jackson and his puppets... Last in the current series
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Jealous of Jonathan Ross
Havoc in the studio, Mick McCarthy get cut, Jacques Kallis gets cut... there's talk of abusing Barry Manilow and the Colonel accusses Sage of professional jealousy
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Freedom of Speechless
Should we grab Lord Mandelson around the neck, strangle the life out of him and feed him to vegetarians? Should we worry about Communists, Fascists and the Alabama 3?
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Poetry Corner
A poetry reading descends into farce when the Colonel accuses Derek Pringle of raping Sage... The Colonel dissects the Bible and concludes that it is all bollocks.
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Trudi Stings Gary Linekar
What happened when the Colonel is invited to a Tuscan orgy by Sting and Trudie Styler and the strange case of Gary Linekar and a bag of salt 'n' shake
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The Death of Poetry
Episode 100! Jock Strap, Sage in poetic mood and never twist a fister.
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Leg touching and limp wristed immigration
Leg touching in the cinema, Johnny Lydon the hypocrite, remarkably dressed Muslims, the Colonel outlines his immigration policies.
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Colonel's Christmas Speech
The Colonel delivers his Christmas message to the Nation. Ronnie Kray accidentally spoils Christmas and then he spoils it again (by accident).
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Colonel's Christmas Special
Tea bagging with The Queen Mum, pogoing with Prince Philip and the Colonel's special Christmas 'Peace' Mission to Afghanistan... next Thursday the Colonel delivers his Christmas message
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Oh dear Sydney!
Fisting with the Pet Shop Boys, Ronnie's naughty tailer, a dead foot on the shoulder and re-cycling with Ronnie
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Family values
Reggie and Ronnie oven gloves... A new Ronnie scam involving young boys selling household goods door to door... someone is going to get cut. Anybody want some Staminol?
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Tax avoidance suggestions
Series 10 begins with Ronnie Kray... more tax avoidance ideas with the story of Philip Jenkins - Inland Revenue 'employee of the month' who ended up with a leek sticking out of his bottom.
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Memoirs of the Knobs
Using Michael Jackson's nose, the abuse of Adrian Chiles and what did Cliff Richard rub into the bottoms of the Knob Brothers?
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From humble beginnings to nothingness
Corrected mp3 link from previous!... sorry old chaps... The perils of rubbing Algipan on your Johnson... The Colonel introduces The Knob Brothers... tan chords and slip on shoes...the milking of Mark Lester
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I believe I can fly
Welcome back Colonel!... Rosa Parks sat down so that Martin Luther King could walk, Martin Luther King walked so that Barack Obama could run, Barack Obama ran so that our children could fly like R Kelly... Are all the problems over now we have a black man in the White House? Last in the current series
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Will Ronnie live again?
Final episode with Ronnie - including more tales of his protection racket in Purgatory with Ghandi, Frank Sinatra, Francis Bacon, Millets and Jesus... Ronnie finally gets his money. the Colonel returns from his tour of the USA next week!
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Zeus in a headlock
The Krays plan their return to Earth by kidnapping Jesus, sticking him in the cupboard with Ghandi and blackmailing God... they plan to take over the bodies of the Kemp Bros.... failing that Ant and Dec... failing that, the Chuckle Brothers.
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Threatening Jesus
Ronnie Kray is still back from the dead, revealing more of his adventures in purgatory... shooting Jesus... nicking the head of John the Baptist and admiring the Prophet Mohammed's large sword...
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Threatening God
Madness in the studio as the spirit of Ronnie Kray continues to control the body of medium Josie VanStrapon... Ronnie continues his tales from purgatory, explaining his extortion racket on the River Styx, why he had to 'cut' the Charon and why he had to threaten God
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Live Seance
Spooky... The spirit of Ronnie Kray is summoned during a live seance with Sage. Ronnie's constant threats to 'cut' Sage are interspersed with frightening tales including the sewing up of Cliff Richard's Anus and Gandhi's sexual prowess in the afterlife.
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Kipper ties as a force for good
The Colonel is on tour in the US so Mick McCarthy visits the studio. Sage struggles with this high tempered 'mans man' with his kipper tie obsession. Discussions include his fallout with Roy Keano, Mick's mother, River dance training and (of course) kipper ties as a force for good.
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Cock on air
Religion, tickling Gerry Halliwell's trout and corrupting East End tailors... The Colonel is off on tour in the Americas or is it Russia so Sage and Crabtree have a goodbye sing song. Finally, we listen to a recording of Ronnie Kray from Broadmoor who dedicates a poem to the Colonel.
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The mad axmen
Tales from the old East End as the Colonel recalls his nightclub days with the Kray Twins, Sid James and Barbara Windsor including the astounding tale of dead men in shoulder pads. Also on the table - nipple tweaking, Chelsea Pensioners and darts
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Ronnie Kray's Flat
It's be kind to Featherlite week... The Colonel is convinced Billy Connolly has become a priest and he recalls his curious visit to Ronnie Kray's flat... featuring Charles Hawtrey and man on man action
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Mick Bloody McCarthy
Mick McBloody McCarthy makes a guest appearance on the show. Lawrence Olivier shooting ping pong balls from his back passage and Bald patches in the pubic area
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Salt beef and foot fetishes
Candyfloss, cheesecake and orgies - the Colonel's vision of Utopia unveiled. Cherie Blair gets a tongue lashing and entertaining fuckwits
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J-Lo's knickers
More preposterous tales as the Colonel continues his investigations into the Pubic placements... Keith Chegwin, Ben Affleck, Boris Johnson and J-Lo's knickers are all implicated
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Who is the Pubic monster?
Tales of strange goings on at the Beeb and Channel 4 with deliberate pubic placements being left in toilets. Who is Pubus Errectus, the creature that haunts the Colonel's dreams? What horrified June Whitfield in the canteen and what links Davina McCall, James Nesbitt, Noel Edmunds and the Krays twins?
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Large proboscises
Before Series 9 starts we have some candid conversations: Sarah Jessica Parker and large proboscises, Yosser Hughes, Andy Peters and finally - what highbrow discussion would be complete without mentioning rimming
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I blame Ringo Starr
Who's the better dictator - Robert Mugabe, Idi Amin or Simon Cowell? Does God get angry when the Colonel masterbates? The story of Viceroy Vickers.
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Pouring petrol
The Colonel (antagonist extraordinaire) is at it again with an eclectic range of topics - pouring petrol on George Clooney, mocking the luck of the Irish, playing Fagin and a very odd story about Demis Roussos
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I was Ronnie Kray's driver
Was Hitler visited by the Angel Gabriel? Is China a piss soaked tramp? Why are hairy idiots allowed on TV? And will the Colonel ever get to discuss his time as a driver for Ronnie Kray?
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Teabagging the Prime Minister
Which Prime Minister enjoys teabagging whilst whistling? What is stamp licking? Who forages on Wimbledon Common like a perverted Womble? Why is stabbing so in vogue and who can we blame? All these pastimes of the good and great are discussed by the Colonel and Sage in this episode
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Lewd subject matter
The Colonel returns with more dirt and libellous accusations involving Lenny Henry, eating ice cream with Robert Mugabe, chicks with dicks or blokes with tits, necrophilia with the illuminati and more talk of bottoms
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Holiday Episode
Special holiday episode... Sage and his shorts are off to Bangkok for a couple of weeks 'relaxation'and The Colonel cannot be left alone so the show will return in two weeks... meantime, here's a short chat about French letters, Ronnie Kray, a cure for 'gay', golfing and (of course) fisting
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Transvestite Dancer
Did Alicia, dressed as Grace Jones, hit Russell Harty on the Lily Allen show? Why is Jeremy Clarkson upset with Michael Jackson? Is Vernon Kay the future? Where is the clitoris? Find the answers to these burning questions in the latest episode of the Colonel Radioshow
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Gloryholes
Who the hell is Cherie Blair? Sage gets dunked in the canal and gets his mohair shorts wet. Scope darts, the Cornish dialect and the aristocrats
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Guess the smell with Ewan Mcgregor
Assinating Ewan Mcgregor, Easy Rider sabotage with Dennis Hopper, Nelson Mandela collaboration with the Prodigy, Prince Albert cock ring retrieval device and why the Colonel is unlikey to get a knighthood
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Turkish baths and bendiness
Derek Pringle's poetry corner, turkish baths, Geldof's goat children, Sergio Crease the Scope Hero and the dislike of bendiness. Also; the strange case of the clone of Ian Hislop... or is it a surgically enhanced Robert Maxwell?
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Killer Puppies
Illusion and nonsense from the Colonel: Killer puppies, insulting Chris Martin, the fine line between Gandhi and Hitler, insulting Islam extremists and also the Colonel tells some jokes
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What a cock up
Shitting in ditches with Henry Kissinger, tents for the homeless and other preposterious tales from the Colonel and company
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Who is Sir Robert Trouser?
Who is the mysterious Robert Trouser? Was there a conspiracy to convince the world that Lady Diana was attractive? Who has Paul Gascoigne in a headlock and who are Stephane and the Kiddiewinkers?
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The Gary Glitter incident
Gary Glitter's possible clone, prophetic testicals, flirting with featherlight and Margaret Thatcher are all topics in this chaotic episode
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Soapsuds and Jockstraps
Series 8 begins with talk of a room full of young men, medieval buggery, fatwa inducing claptrap and Boris Johnson on his Raleigh racer
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Happy New Year
A Happy New Year message from the Colonel with Ronnie Kray, Mick McCarthy and idiots from TV
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Homemade Condoms
Homemade condoms, Helen Mirren in Caligula, Harold McMillan exposed, Gin Lane, Crack Alley and obesity as an infectious disease
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Unnatural Kinks
Bankers, wankers and Bono... the Colonel says something stupid about Right Wing Conspiracy Theories about the London Bendy Bus
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The smoking ban, personal freedom and cheese
I love cheese, Roy Castle and the smoking ban, Sven the Swede, getting high with Russell Harty... Tom Cruise the fanny plunger, sharing a cell with Jeffrey Archer
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Goats, Popes and Necrophilia
Half man half goat? Marching into Poland and the story of Maggie May
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Illuminati - Squeezing the truth out
Is the late Robert Maxwell really Ian Hislop? Is the real Ian Hislop going to be fed to the Illuminati? Is Rick Waller Ronald McDonald?
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Liberals Jockstrap
New series begins with a short introduction and message of hope from The Colonel and Sage!
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HERE IS THE NEWS
Celebrity News Report as read by Ian Thespian
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The Colonel Attacks!
The Colonel attacks! Surprise reprise: Last in series 6 - Corporate semen and clandestine cannalbalism with beefy's bouncy burgers
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Desmond in a Tutu
A turd in a box is still a turd in a box... force feeding poor people crap food with the humourist Gordon Brown... plus Sage and the Colonel sing the Beatles
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The wonderful Heather McCartney/Mills and other tales
Did the Colonel start the Second World War? Did the Colonel steal the World Cup? Does the Colonel believe in God? All this plus the wonderful Heather Mills clearing landmines.
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Did Princess Di have a third son?
How Jimmy Hill was responsible for the break up between Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt. Also; the mystery of Princess Di's third son and the corrupt Chin Society, whos members include Jennifer Aniston, Bruce Forsyth, and their plot to take over the world.
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Royal Prostate on Ebay
Stephen Hawkins and Davros the traffic wardens, signed Royal prostates on ebay and torturing Vernon Kay.
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Softening extremities
The male birth, wrestling Cliff Richard for the prize, Red Ken's World of Wonder
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Peeling testicles
Peeling testicles, money, power, fame and unprotected bottle sex, Bono and retards on tv
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Naked Berzerking
The Colonel is in love and is naked. Topics on the table today include inciting riots, berzerking on buses and the unfortunate display of Mrs. Webb's gash
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The Disappearance of Brian May
The strange case of the disappearance of Brian May. Starring Steve Irwin, Hugh Hucknall, David Furnish as a Royal Corgi and Ben Affleck. Guest starring George Michael
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Apologies to the Pope
The Colonel's great vision of The Vernon Kay Puppet Show will alas never come to be due to the passing on of Jeremy Beadle. How Robert Maxwell never learnt to swim and why the real Ian Hislop is incarcerated at the North Pole. All of this and much less more in the first of the new series of the Colonel's dubious memoirs
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The Phantom Returns
Who is the Bum Bandit of Westminster Bridge? The Colonel interviews his brother to get to the bottom of this disturbing saga.
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World Wide Wank
Weekly comedy podcasts from Colonel Crabtree Smythe... preposterous tales involving the famous, infamous and imaginary.
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Kill Em All!
Weekly comedy podcasts from Colonel Crabtree Smythe... preposterous tales involving the famous, infamous and imaginary.
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Scientologist cults
Ron Hubbard and the hollywood cults are on the agenda today... dancing naked, selling your soul to the corporate 'man'
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Who stole Kevin Costner's tights?
The Colonel explains his mad visions for profiteering from the melting icecaps... Who stole Kevin Costner's tights? Lesbian sex fests at Wimbledon and how the Colonel contributed to the downfall of Tony Blair
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Goosed by a goosestepper
The Colonel's been reading the Daily Mail again and talks of sexual thrusting, fear of flowery types and the odd bit of prodding. He also recalls his African adventures and the time he was molested by a High ranking Nazi.
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Heather McCartney's missing leg
Ninja tricks, Sergio escapes, ballet dancing and the tale of Heather McCartney's missing leg.
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Never play darts with Hitler
Chaotic scenes ensue as the studio is invaded...The Colonel explains why Hitler embarked on his campaign of mass genocide... Extreme method acting...Offers of amputation and Ian Hislop.
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Amused to the point of disgust
Amused to the point of disgust. The Colonel's feud with Stephen Hawkins continues and explains his plans to send Hawkins and Phil Spector into space.
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Evangelical sniper
A sniper tries to take out the Colonel, Chic Sikhs, Chris Martin, Frank Lampard's thumbs and why we allow the Scottish to play tennis
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Licking Balls
The Colonel returns... Sage is sporting shorts and Crabtree is in silk... What exactly is the relationship between Dale Winton and the President of Iran? Also this week... beating and whipping, celebrity chefs, Mr. Blobby, fat people and fondling
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NEWS FLASH: J-Lo to be skinned alive
No Colonel this week: Instead we have this special Celebrity News Report read by Ian Thespian
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Psychic false teeth
Did Delia Smith spike the Colonel's egg sandwich? Did Robbie Williams kill badgers? Did Louie Walsh headbutt a dolphin? Why did the Colonel steal the psychic false teeth of Cliff Richard's Mum? Last of the current series
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Wu Tang Clan in tights
Ever seen the Wu Tang Clan in pantyhose? Is Jimmy Tarbuck the Loch Ness Monster? More illusion, confusion and self delusion with The Colonel
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Plastic vaginas
Who eats porridge out of a plastic vagina? Is Tom Jones black? Is shit acceptable? These questions and possibly many others are answered by listening to this Episode of the Colonel's memoirs
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Gandhi loses his temper
The Colonel gets attacked by Gandhi, kidnapped by Cliff Richard and suffocated by a sandal. There's Catholic skullduggery afoot, dead relatives through the post, invasions by shadows, sore bats wing and a load of bollocks... what else could you possibly desire?
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Beefy Botham eats an umpire
The Colonel is in his usual lunatic mode... KKK bus drivers, Beefy Botham eating umpires... and of course, rectums are all on the agenda
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Pictures of Penises
Kaki shorts, pictures of penises,finding solace in Charlotte Church's mum and trouble with traffic wardens are just some of the topics exposed by the Colonel this week
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Bizarre Celebrity fishing trip
All hell breaks loose with fishing adventures in the outback with Steven Irwin. Find out how did Abu Hamza loose his hands and which Hollywood star was caught shoving a deoderant can up his tradesmans. Todays finale is the Conlenel's rendition of 'Moon River'
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Training Mosquitos
We start with a sore penis, then move on to hot potatoes, attacking children, training mosquitos to bite extremists and we hope against hope that Ronan Keating will never sing again
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Stealing Bono's Trousers
Is Bono a veal eater? Is Jim Morrison dead? Is there something nasty in Sage's woodshed? Beefeater hats?... Sandal confusion, suicide bombers, Chopper Harris, de-materialisation, Houdini... and of course, more fingers up rectums
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Beware the sausage!
Series Four begins with sausages! A brief history of the sausage in art, warfare and revolution! Also, Van Gogh, Nazis... egotistical foxes...
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Poor parenting skills
Bed wetting hoodies, namby pamby public school liberal facists, two sugars please...
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Violating giant puppetry
More highly inflammatory rambling tales from our beloved Colonel... The Michael Jackson saga continues
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Jackson Clan and El Rabbito
A miniturized mad scientist is injected up the bottom of Michael Jackson... life sized puppetry and other unbelievable tales from our dear Colonel
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Leatherclad nipple tweaking
Skulduggery afoot as the Colonel uncovers the links between leather clad nipple tweaking Richard, breast displaying Judy and the Al Qaeda network
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Britney Spears
Britney Spears, the nipple tweaking Prince, large ladies and Himmler's affection for funky chickens
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Pillow talk
Sage accuses The Colonel of racism, homophobia and pillow talk
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Hellfire Club
The Hellfire Club of Decadent Dalliances
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Hairless balls
The Colonel retells his adventure with Van Strapon in the Belgium Congo... plus STDs, Cocaine, Jesus the Christ, time capsules, Maggie Thatchers heart, hairless balls, smaller persons...
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Ugly babies
Reincarnation... Ugly babies and the fiery furnaces and snooker loopy nutters
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Manginas
We all need redemption... the Colonel continues with Mark Twain, Steve Davis, Pakistan, prison, manginas...
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sampler
A compilation of some of the funniest bits from the Colonel's first 10 radioshows.
In these comedy interviews with Sage McCorkadale he discusses his involvement in some of the most interesting and bizarre events in history.
Be patient...watch the skies...
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